I waited for a few days before I’d reply back to you,
so that I could see how I’m doing.

Your reply was very helpful to me, I thank you deeply
for your immediate response. It is true that I have
been traumatised emotionally when I was a child
and that I did project my pain onto the child I saw
in the park.
I am much calmer now, and are trying to feel
my pain consciously.

My personal goal in life is to feel love,
which I was so deprived of when I was a child.
Aside from the love we feel in our everyday life,
when we selflessly care for another, or for our society,
(and holosync has greatly enhanced that in me)
I thought that true love is to feel the spiritual unity of all life,
that we are all one,
but after this transcendent experience, I now think that true love for me
is yes to go there but then come back. And participate. And help others.
So, I feel secure now. And grateful for what I experienced.

Now, I feel great respect for all the people who stayed there for a while
and then chose to come back.

Thank you again for all the help and guidance you offering to all of us.

Natasha

(just to let you know) I have been meditating with holosync for a year and a half now and have seen great positive changes in me so far and for that I thank you deeply. I would also like to tell you that based on your developmental levels analysis in previous blogs, I believe myself to be mostly on the narcissistic level slowly working myself upwards, though I have a long way to go.

A few days ago, as I was sitting in my bed thinking, I asked myself a question, and then heard no reply. I wondered who was it that would reply back to me, and was that actually me? and then something amazing happened. For a few minutes then I felt this place of stillness Mr.Tolle and you talk about. I don’t know if that was a moment of enlightenment but it was peaceful, just being, no time, no form, out of this world really, felt like one with the universe. It felt like consciousness. And it felt like home.

I ‘came back’ after a few minutes, and sat down to do some work. Talked on the phone, listened to some music. But as time went by I felt all the more my egotistic self. And it kept strengthening as time went by. I felt more narcissistic. More self centered. And my thinking was narcissistic as well. And that was awful. I thought to myself that maybe that is my ego trying to fight back and it used up all of its tools. So I thought I’d just watch.

And then I started crying, endlessly. The pain was so much. I felt all the pain of my ego all at once. Not just a little bit of loneliness here and a little bit of despair there, but it was like I felt ALL the pain of my life all over my body. And then I was crying and saying “why come back? WHY COME BACK TO MY EGO?”
And then for the first time in my life I felt I wanted to commit suicide. Never felt that before. Just the occasional thought everyone has I guess, but not the actual feeling. And I kept thinking “why come back? after all its not me thats dying”.

Then I thought to myself that that is my ego talking (I think) and after a while I calmed down. But I was so scared of myself. And then, I felt like a door opened to my subconscious, (like when I do holosync and stuff come out of there) and I kept seeing terrifying things. I saw awful faces with blood and accidents and horrible things I cannot even describe. I felt so scared. So scared I was trembling. I phoned a friend and went over and slept there.

The next day, my mind was thinking endlessly (also making insanely fast new interpretations of the world and how I see reality) and I had blocked all of my feelings really. I realised that after many hours and I decided to feel myself again a little bit. And then something happened. I felt so much pain all over my body and started crying endlessly again. I was thinking of humanity and the suffering we go through and the pain, and what we do to one another with our egos, and the pain was too deep. It wasn’t just a thought. This thing where we all tell one another “oh we burn forests or we start wars, how wrong of us…” I felt the actual feeling all over me. And it hurt so bad. I blocked my feelings again immediately.

And then the following day, I went to the park -which I never do- but felt this sudden innate need to ‘go home to the trees’ and just sit there on the grass being with them. And then I saw a little child and started crying again and felt the same pain all over my body. It felt like pain for humanity.

And today, as I’m writing this, I have still blocked my feeling body, and I hope in days to come I will be able to integrate emotionally what happened to me, and maybe evolve a little bit. The impact of those few minutes was tremendous for me. Maybe others who are at a higher emotional level can handle it better than I and won’t go through what I did.

I guess I just wanted to share this with all of you as there is noone in my environment who I could share it with. I don’t know what question to ask you Mr. Harris -to be honest. But I think any reply from you will be comforting.

Thank you,
Natasha

FROM BILL: First, I think the experience you described at the beginning of your post was a transcendent experience. Second, I don’t hink you are still at that narcissistic stage. We all have some narcissistic ways of being, no matter what our developmental level, because “it’s all about me” is part of being human. You seem to feel a lot of empathy for the suffering in the world, and that isn’t narcissism.

I’d also don’t think you are as blocked as you think about your feelings. This transcendent experience you had seems to have opened you to a lot of feeling. This is a good thing, because you have likely repressed or disowned a lot of this pain. When you do that, it comes out anyway, but it comes out in immature and not-resourceful ways (in fact, narcissistic ways). When you begin to consciously feel it, when you begin to become truly aware of it, and let yourself feel it, the way you express it matures. This is why your pain, though still about what happened to you, is also now about the problems and suffering in the world.

When a person is traumatized during childhood, as I think you were, they often relive intense feelings from that trauma. Someone or something reminds you of your past, and the pain you felt, and you transplant that old feeling into the now moment. You saw that child, and your own childhood feelings came back. If a person was traumatized by their father yelling at them, they might feel the same helpless feelings when another authority figure–a boss, perhaps–yells at them, despite the fact that they aren’t a helpless little girl any more.

What I’m getting at is that what happen is that the past can influence the present, but ONLY if you are unconscious about it. If you can observe your reaction to an authoritarian boss, for instance, and see what you are doing, as you do it, you won’t be able to keep doing it. What matters is what you do NOW, not what happened in the past. What you do now will be automatic if you are unaware, but if you are aware you can CHOOSE what you do now–you can choose your reaction to a boss who yells at you.

So, the pain you have from the past is real pain, but the attaching it to what happens in the present isn’t necessary or inevitable. You WILL attach it to what happens now if you remain unaware, but you’ll stop doing that the more awareness you have. This is one of the huge benefits of Holosync–it creates tremendous amounts of awareness, making it easier to quit doing things unconsciously and automatically, based on the past.

AsSuMiNg an impersonation may be useful to you – and that’s fine by me – but it’s not useful to me.

If you disagree with the assessment, I respect that.

Yes, but it disgusts me to hear you say it.

FROM BILL: Impersonating a Zen master?

Having done Big Mind with Genpo at an ILP seminar a few years ago, this was helpful to understanding more about the 5 Ranks and where I might be in terms of them.

May all beings be happy,
~Duff